Which of these two groups "arrived" first to planet Earth?

I thought we all evolved from primates? I hadn't heard about the spaceship chapter in current theories of evolution. See, this is what my parents told me: The blonde primates went north to the colder climates, started shaving, building Ikea furniture, and advocated neutrality and socialized medicine. The brunette primates went east, discovered rice, spices, and microcircuitry, but became very photosensitive. Some of the blonde primates, wanting greater religious repression, sailed across the ocean to found this world. Of course this world didn't need to be found, because it was never lost, having been peopled (figuratively speaking) by the redhaired primates long before the blonde and brunette primates even knew how to scratch out fleas from their coats; but, nevertheless, there the blonde haired primates, ever the elitists, met, exploited, d and killed the redhaired primates. Then baseball was invented, along with jazz and contact lenses. I don't know where Africa fits in all of this evolution. But these are the facts as told to me.